On Tending The Flowers of Marriage

Jesus makes His bride beautiful. In an analogous way, I think we make our own spouse beautiful (or handsome, as the case may be). When you tend a flower properly, it blooms. The work of tending causes the joy of greater beauty. A husband who pours love and affection and sacrifice and service into his wife will see her bloom before his eyes into a more beautiful woman, sparkling and shimmering with the joy of a woman who is loved. The wife who respects and admires and submits to her husband will watch as he, fueled by the shining eyes of his princess, becomes more and more the lion that she admired in the first place.

Beware, ye darkness. Such a flower will spill unquenchable light. Such is the power of the loving husband.

Beware, ye dragons. Such a prince knows no fear. Thus is the power of an admiring wife.

And beware, gates of hell. The bride will conquer, for her Husband has conquered, and His love makes her invincible.

Happy Tears

If you've ever been to a wedding, you probably know the feeling. You can't help but smile, and you can't help but cry. It's so happy that it hurts. There's a deep, aching, longing, bittersweet joy that leaves everyone there inspired and almost depressed (in a happy sort of way). Hearts so light and so heavy all at once.

This feeling of bittersweetness happens at other times through life, though the occasions are rare. A perfectly golden autumn day lit by warm sun through cool, dappled shade. A funeral for a Christian warrior released to glory. The end of a movie where the hero has died and died well. A piece of music that somehow transcends simple audio enjoyment and etches a mark on our soul. A day of fellowship at church where the love and unity is so real that no one wants to leave until long after the daylight has.

What is it, exactly? Why do we get this feeling, and what does it mean?

I can't speak authoritatively to that, but I have a theory, and my theory is not without at least some Scriptural support.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says that God has set eternity in the heart of men. I suspect that maybe this feeling- the feeling of something so beautiful it is almost too beautiful, of something so bright it is blinding, something greater than our capacity for greatness, something so overwhelmingly, painfully good- maybe that feeling comes when events throughout our temporal life filter in and strike the chords of eternity which God has hidden in our hearts. Like sunbeams dancing through the suffocating dust of an attic and finding their way to grandpa's old prism, suddenly everything is light and beauty and it hurts not because it's too bad but because it's too good, hurts not because we want less of it but because we want more of it- and yet we couldn't handle it if it were given to us.

These moments throughout our lives- maybe they are pointing to something greater. Maybe they hurt because we can feel deep down that our eternity is calling; that we were made for something beyond, for a deeper satisfaction and a fuller joy than anything this world can offer- anything this sinful flesh could bear even if this world could offer it!

Maybe these moments are so overwhelming because they are little tastes of paradise, of the new heavens and the new earth, of the wedding feast of the Lamb.

Which brings me to a few things I can say confidently from Scripture.

Last weekend, my bride and I attended the Southwest Family Vision Conference. It was an enormous blessing; so rich and inspiring and convicting.

One of the themes that was really brought into crystalline focus for me was that earthly marriage between a man and a woman is a physical picture of the heavenly, eternal marriage between Christ and His Church. (Eph. 5:22-33)

The wisdom of God is truly so vast, so unfathomable, so unsearchable. He has spoken and woven into being a world full of foreshadows, of echoes, of tastes, of symbols. Everywhere we look there is a new illustration of Who He is and how He is. Leaven, fire, doors, bread and wine, water, rocks, lambs, lions, fruit, birth, death- it's constant. He has spoken and is speaking His glory all throughout the world around us. (Ps. 19)

And perhaps the greatest of all of His perfect metaphors is marriage.

A few things in particular struck me about the marriage analogy as I've rolled it around in my mind.

The first is the idea of the exuberance of the bridegroom. Every husband knows the feeling. It's finally the day, finally the hour, finally the minute, and then the moment- there she is. Beautiful. Breathless and breathtaking. He couldn't hold the corners of his mouth down if he tried. It's really happening.

All throughout Scripture is painted this picture of the joy of the wedding feast. (Rev. 19:7) Scripture says that Jesus endured the cross for the joy set before Him (Hebrews 12:2).

Notice that in both Rev. 19:8 and Eph. 5:26 the Church is given the white garments; Christ sanctifies His bride. The Church is made up of sinful people- people who were the enemies of God (Rom. 5:10). Yet Christ makes her a perfect bride through His blood.

And then there's the wedding.

And all of creation explodes into celebration.

And God makes us- unworthy sinful dust-to-dust us- the bride in the nuptial consummation of the ages.

To think that we, somehow, get to be a bride who brings joy to her Husband- to imagine that maybe, just maybe, Jesus Christ will smile at the sight of His bride- we are not worthy. That the creation could somehow bring pleasure and glory to the Creator- what a story God has penned!

And of course it's never about us. It's about the Bridegroom. We are not worthy. He is. But the amazing thing is that He makes us worthy. He makes us clean. He makes us pleasing to Him. That we could be pleasing in the sight of God- this truth should at once humble and excite us!

But there's another thing about this truth which brings us full circle. If all of creation, all of history is the love story that God the Father wrote by and for His Son, then every wedding from the beginning of time to its end is a foreshadow. Every "I do," every first kiss, every cheer and clap and wedding cake and first dance- they are all testifying to something greater. Every bride is a picture of the perfected Bride. Every groom is a picture of the perfect Groom. It's like hearing an echo from a celebration miles away. It's a taste. A hint. A picture. The joy. The smiles. The beauty. The covenants. The love.

It's the greatest novel ever written.

We are living in God's love story.

And every wedding is a foreshadow of the triumphant conclusion.

She Said Yes

Tonight I asked a girl to marry me; a girl I don't deserve; a girl I can't begin to thank God enough for; a girl I cannot wait to share the rest of my life with.

What's more, she said yes.

Courtship, Round II

So my recent post about courtship generated some discussion, debate, and a response from the person I responded to about his brother-in-bloggery's response to- OK, I'll stop.

First of all, I praise God that said response was written graciously and in kindness. I'm also actually e-mailing with Mr. Ohlman personally, and I hope that our blog exchange, by being a public one, will be edifying those who watch it from the outside, and will represent Christ well by remaining cool-headed, gracious, and downright fun.  :-D

I shall first define two terms that I will use a lot:

"Courtship" - young man approaches father, discusses possibility of pursuing daughter, father eventually says yes or no, then young man courts daughter who also eventually says yes or no.  (I'm grossly and glibly oversimplifying and generalizing here.)

"Betrothal" - father approaches father, notes rather candidly that Junior and Junia are of similar age and bent, and they discuss the possibility of contributing an extra child to one another's households.  (Note that we are talking about arranged marriage, but NOT about forced marriage, which no one is advocating.)

Two different approaches which play out a lot of the same principles.

Now, to Mr. Ohlman's article.

Master Hudelson assumes that courtship is a Godly and wonderful method of finding a spouse.

This is true, at least for the purposes of my article, though you have to be careful with terms like "courtship."  I'm more concerned with the Biblical principles we're playing out than with the practical applications, which will differ wildly from case to case.  There are plenty of courtships that are neither Godly nor wonderful, and plenty of non-courtships that are both.

He points out, and agrees with, Jeff’s analysis that in courtship many men are turned down in the process.

Truer a word ne'er was spoken.

Given his assumptions that courtship is a Godly system (see #1), he then concludes that all of these rejections and delayed marriages are reflections of God’s will.

Now it's getting interesting.  I have a feeling we need to define "God's Will" here, or else we're both going to end up finishing the debate, raising our flags in triumph only to realize we're on two different battlefields.  "Hey, what's that flag over there?!?  Hand me them binoculars!"

But we'll return to this later; I'm going to skip down to some of the bigger issues here.  Mr. Ohlman provides a list of Scriptural passages (for which I am very grateful! HUZZAH for bringing Scripture into this discussion!) and then the principles that he derives from them.  I have no quarrel with any of the principles; all of the didactic passages given lend themselves explicitly to Mr. Ohlman's interpretation.

The principles given in the verses were, in summation:

- not good for man to be alone; woman is created as his helpmeet
- marriage provides relief from sexual temptation
- man is called to enjoy sexuality within the context of marriage
- marriage provides for Godly descendants

All of this is as Biblical as the Pope is Catholic.  (Or maybe just as Biblical as the Pope isn't.)

But then comes this paragraph:

We then examine courtship in light of these examples and commands and we see that the multiple rejections of marriage, the delay of marriage, and the denial of marriage is something that, at least on its face, stands in direct opposition to everything that God teaches about the importance of marriage, and yet many avid courtship advocates claim it to be “God’s will”.

We've made a leap here.  Mr. Ohlman has, in the above paragraph, added an element of time which was notably absent from any of the cited passages.  Marriage is good, for the reasons listed and many more.  (Paul also had a lot to say about the benefits of singleness, but let's save that one for later.) Yet I see no "Best By" date stamped by Scripture across the foreheads of the young men and virgin daughters of Israel.

Now, we come to the marvelous logical circumlocutions of mine which led to the title of Mr. Ohlman's response.

Courtship leads to either rejection or marriage.  Rejection or marriage clarifies God's Will for a young man's life.  That which clarifies God's Will is a Good Thing.  Therefore, Courtship is a Good Thing.

I don't think this is technically circular reasoning; rather, Mr. Ohlman is calling attention to a premise in my argument which, he says, I need to prove.  His whole point is that rejection of a Godly suitor is not a good thing.  Thus the premise of my argument- that these rejections are helpful to young men- is false, and my argument collapses like a Jenga tower.

Only problem is that I suspect we have here a case of pots and kettles. Mr. Ohlman, in saying that I need to prove that these rejections are A Good Thing, also assumes that the rejections are not a good thing; that they are not a valid way of discerning God's Will.  Yet that is one of the points that I would ask him to prove.

I have no desire to simply throw the logical ball back into his court, however, and engage in a hearty round of "you started it!" I believe the burden of proof is his, because the accusation is also his.  Mr. Wilson and I agree that rejections are a feature, not a bug, of the courtship model; we see those rejections as playing out Scriptural principles like a father's protective authority (Numbers 30).  If Mr. Ohlman wishes to overthrow our Jenga tower, he is obliged to do the removing of the sticks.

Mr. Ohlman makes an excellent point about "God's Will."

A quick theological point. Everything that happens is ‘God’s will’ in one sense. A drug crazed maniac drives his car through a mall and kills sixteen people… that was God’s will. God certainly could have stopped it, and God will certainly use the incident for good for those that love Him (Romans 8:28). 

But that isn’t the kind of  ‘God’s will’ that we are looking for in the courtship process. We are looking for the kind of will that indicates that we are acting in obedience to God.

Very well said.  I couldn't agree more.  Here is where our problem arises:

If courtship is, as we advocate, an unBiblical system that unjustly and sinfully rejects, denies, and prevents thousands of Godly marriages: marriages that would have, if they had been allowed, reflected the nature of Christ and the church and Glorified God… then the results aren’t ‘God’s Will’ in the sense required.

Does this not assume, then, that God could not be working His Will through the rejections and denials?  Mr. Ohlman's view of Courtship as some sort of Marriage-Be-Gone is not one I share; to say that Courtship prevents Godly marriages is to make a few large assumptions.  First, that Courtship does not often result in Godly marriages (which it does), and Second, that Courtship thwarts God's Will instead of guiding us into it, presumably because it sometimes- indeed, often!- results in non-marriages.  Said non-marriage is Very Bad because of the Best By date.  Don't want spoiled milk in the fridge of singleness!

I am still unconvinced that "rejection" is A Bad Thing in itself, or a bad way to discern God's Will, and would like to be convinced from Scripture that it is.  Personally, I find rejections quite helpful.

I also find myself wondering- how does betrothal address any of these perceived problems differently?  Does betrothal guarantee young marriage (if we assume that young marriage is, inherently, a good thing)?  Does it guarantee that there will be no rejections, no delays?  I don't at this point see how it does.

The previous article- the one I first responded to- objected to Mr. Wilson rejecting suitors for his daughters.  Again, I don't see how this is any different in effect from betrothal, where fathers would still be discussing and, presumably, sifting through prospective in-laws.

Courtship is not Scriptural, and we can demonstrate that. Scripture does teach a path to marriage; a path that does not boast in, but shrinks in horror from, the idea of thousands of Godly young men going to Godly fathers for the hands of their Godly daughters and being sent away rejected, frustrated, celibate, and childless.

First off, as a young man who has been through this process, I guess I technically am "rejected," and I'm certainly celibate and childless.  Yet life moves on, and I am happy to be single for as long as God wants me to be single, and to labor for His Kingdom within the household of my father until my Heavenly Father decides to bless me with a household of my own.

This is an underlying assumption in Mr. Ohlman's article which truly bothers me: that, for anyone who is not called to a lifetime of singleness, singleness is a less-than state, a holding pattern, a time in which fruit rots instead of ripens and one's effectiveness for the Kingdom of God is suspended indefinitely.

I'm a huge fan of youthful marriage.  Love it and hope for it myself. Marriage is A Good Thing.  But it isn't The Good Thing.  The goal is to walk in obedience to God and labor for His Kingdom, both before and after the wedding day.

I would very much like to see the Scriptural demonstration of why Courtship is not Scriptural.  My contention is not that the Betrothal approach that Mr. Ohlman advocates is unBiblical.  I see both Scriptural precedent for the model and Scriptural principle in the application.  So I am not opposed to Betrothal in the least.

What I am opposed to is the proclamation that Courtship "unjustly and sinfully" deals with the spouse-finding process, when as far as I can tell Courtship also plays out the Biblical principles in question very well.

Long story less long, I think finding a spouse is a messy, sloppy, happy, sticky process that can happen a zillion different ways, and that we should be more concerned with applying Biblical principles to the process than with worrying about exact formulas and titles.  Is the headship and protective role of the father over his daughter recognized?  Are the parents honored in the process?  Do the young people have accountability?  Does the process allow them to discover whether they are equally yoked?  And so on.

I see Biblical precedent for a Betrothal approach.  I do not see any Biblical commands for a Betrothal approach.  Therefore, to condemn a system advocated by believers desiring to play out God's Word in the spouse-finding process as malum-in-se when Scripture never does such a thing is to tread dangerous ground.  I would much rather stand on the principles that Scripture says should be than on the things that Scripture shows can be; to contend that one system better plays out the commands and the precedents than the other does is very different than saying that a system advocated by many and for Scriptural reasons

should be rejected by all God-fearing believers and should be damned to Hell as the false doctrine that it is.

Marshmallow Boy

How many young men out there have big dreams for the Kingdom of God?

How many of those young men are actually doing big things for the Kingdom of God?

I myself have wrestled with this; I've talked to brothers in Christ about it; the recent Southwest Family Vision Conference put an exclamation point on it.  

"In all labor, there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."  That's how Solomon put it.  Mike Wazowski took a more in-your-face approach- "Less talk, more pain, marshmallow boy!"

Guys, we're getting old quick.  If you're like me, you probably have big goals and dreams.  I want to marry young, have a boatload (read: army) of kids, be an elder in my church, a successful entrepreneur and businessman, maybe write a few books...

Those dreams are great.  Taking those dreams out of the metaphysical realm and applying them to our daily decisions, however, is not an easy task. 

We’ve all heard of the “starving artists”; people who, ostensibly for the noble love of their craft, are still flipping burgers at 30 years of age, eking out a living so they can chase their dream.  And our culture tells us that this is a noble thing.

I don’t think Scripture agrees with our culture, though.

As young men, we all have a huge calling as members of the Body of Christ.  We can’t be spinning our wheels; we can’t be wasting God's time (Eph. 5:16).  We’re in the middle of a war, and we’re at a cataclysmic point in that war.  This is not a time for apathetic, lackadaisical manhood.

We can't be playing video games and watching movies.  Rome is burning, and we, the young men, who should be using our youthful vigor to build the Church of Christ and tear down the gates of hell, are fiddling around on our Xbox.

Now is the time to be seeking God, building foundations for our families-to-be, working, working, and working.  Now is the time to be getting married.  Now is the time to draw swords and leap into the colosseum of Reality.  Now is the time to be doing manly things.  Not tomorrow.  Not next week or next year.  We don't have time to waste.  We must assume the responsibilities of manhood.  We are the next wave, and we are sorely needed on the forefront.

We need to be focused leaders-in-training, loving our local churches, praying, studying, honoring our parents, investing in our families, making the most of our single years (and trying to bring them to a rapid conclusion!), paying our own bills, starting the next generation of Christian households, cutting out the good to invest in the best.

Or, as Kipling put it, filling every unforgiving minute with sixty seconds of distance run.

So guys- men- what are you doing?  Are your works and your words matching each other?  Are you a man, or an adolescent?  Has God called you to marriage?  Then what are you waiting for?  Does something prevent you?  Then what are you doing to eliminate that barrier?  Are you paying your own bills?  Driving your own car?  Are you contributing to your local church?  Are you making disciples and being discipled?

Are you working, or wishing?

Please pray for me on this.  I need it.  I want to be a faithful warrior- not one who spent so much time sharpening his sword that he never actually joined the fight.

All it takes is a little sleep, a little slumber, a little free time, a little dreaming, and enough busy work to make us feel like we're actually accomplishing something, and ten years of marriage and five kids have been lost in the great black hole of "could have been."

---------------

Many a man claims to manhood,

Many a runner to run,

Many a runner to finish the race,

Which yet he has hardly begun.

Many a man is convinced

That what he's done is good enough,

Many a man has calmly called quits

Just because the going got rough.

Many a man has spent many a year

Dreaming his life's thrilling plot,

And come to the end and realized

He'd already done it- or not.

Yet there are a few who have chosen,

By the Grace which God chose to outpour,

To turn the few talents they're given,

To run 'til they can run no more,

To forsake the good for the better,

And the better for that which is best;

Spend six full days upon labor,

And the seventh on diligent rest;

Rather to work for slight profit,

Than talk of great things and have none;

Spend their time waking than dreaming;

Embracing the sweat and the sun;

To live out their life to its fullest,

And breathless, arrive at the end,

Knowing they've done, and not talked about doing,

Chose to climb, even slow, ne'er descend.

Few men can say this, for most, in their prime,

Succumbed to the comforting whisper of time,

Which says that tomorrow will gladly fulfill

Whatever today is too difficult still.

But that far-seeing man who prays for the grace,

To redeem the time he may run,

That is the man at whom history quakes,

That is the man who has won.

You're Not Going to College?!?

In a culture saturated with the presupposition that a college degree is necessary to adulthood (though it is being desaturated, I think), there are some who step back and reconsider if the piece of paper with the alphabet soup is really all that and a box of crackers. In the circles that I swim in, it's common to see the expectation that girls will stay home instead of going off to college. Online alternatives like CollegePlus! are also very popular among homeschoolers.

I guess I go a step further. More on that in a bit.

I have no intention of going to college, at this point, nor of getting any manner of degree (other than a high-school diploma). Which isn't to say that if I got a scholarship to Julliard or Patrick Henry I would just turn it down.

Why? I'm so glad you asked!

Girls

First, though, I'm going to talk about girls going to college (because I've been asked to clarify my stance). In family-integrated, homeschooling circles it's not rare to see people taking a philosophical stance against girls going to college. I agree with these people- specifically because of the Biblical principle of male headship, I would be very reluctant to give my blessing on my daughter/sister going away to college (unless she went with her brother, maybe..?).

I mean, really- why would I send the precious daughter that God has entrusted me with off to a temple of humanism to learn from educated fools (Ps. 14:1) and fellowship with boys stuck in manly bodies who would love to take advantage of her and girls who like it that way?

Yeah, that's a grim picture which I paint of college. And right you are- not all colleges are like this! Just most of 'em. So now that we've ruled out the majority of colleges...

To any girl going to Patrick Henry college or Bob Jones University or another such respectable establishment (and to her father!), I ask- how are you playing out Numbers 30? How are you as a father protecting your daughter? How are you, as a daughter, being held accountable, protected, loved, instructed, familied?


Maybe you are, that's between you and The LORD. But the principles must be dealt with, one way or t'other.

I certainly have no desire for my daughters (LORD willing, one day) to go to college.

I'm not saying that no girl should ever go to college, but that any girl that does go to college needs to deal with the principles that God gives us to live by. I'm sure there are exceptions. But I'm tired of pursuing exceptions. I'd rather seek what it is that God gives us as a normative pattern, and let Him take care of the exceptions.

Guys

Here, though, I go even further. Not only am I "against" girls going to college- I'm "against" guys going to college.

Hear me out.

Let's look at some Biblical principles:

• Family
• Accountability
• Time Stewardship
• Financial Stewardship

Family

Throughout Scripture God works through families. Whether it's blood relatives or relatives by The Blood, we're called to be in fellowship with one another. Christianity is not a religion of loners. From the very beginning, God instituted the family. It's the assumed normative throughout Scripture. (Ps. 68:6, Heb. 10:25)

It's a good thing.

So why would I want to leave my family and my church family to go somewhere else for so long? Is it really worth it?

Accountability

This is closely tied to family. When I'm living together with my family and my local brothers and sisters in Christ, I don't have the luxury of hiding things. Sure, it's possible, but it's hard. It also puts a block in relationships that I treasure. While it is indeed possible (and, I say, necessary!) to set up accountability in a college (or other such) situation, it's not as organic and unavoidable. (Jas. 5:16, Pr. 27:17)

Add to that all the temptations that come with being alone on a college campus among myriads of peers who, with the exception of the exceptional colleges, are more likely to tempt than to help against the temptations, and you have a recipe for trouble.

"Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed that he does not fall." (1 Cor. 10:12)

It is by God's Grace that we stand at all, even protected in our homes. Let us not presume upon God's Grace and throw ourselves in the path of temptation.

Remember the young man in Pr. 7.

Time Stewardship

I would want to spend 4 years of my life in college why exactly? During those 4 years, I could start a business, or study my craft, or any number of things, while in the context of my own family and church. Indeed, I could start my own family. 4 years is a lot of time. Would it really be a good investment to sink it all into college? (Eph. 5:16)

Financial Stewardship

I know there are cheaper options than just the standard (extraordinarily expensive) college fare. I'm not talking about those right now.

Scripturally, debt is slavery. (Pr. 22:7) I cannot see how I could justify going into years worth of debt for a degree. Furthermore, even if I had all that money and could pay out-of-pocket, would that be good stewardship of God's money?

Please note that I'm putting these out not as a list of rules, but as a list of principles. These are my thoughts (which are, to varying degrees, undergirded with Scripture, but my interpretations aren't infallible). I'm not trying to start a fight- these are some of the reasons behind what I believe about college, and I hope some of you find them edifying.

Why?

I can see Biblical allowance for college much better if it is a local college or, especially, something like CollegePlus! which is done (mostly) from home.

Even allowing for something like CollegePlus! or a local community college, though, I would like to know this.

Why would I want to go to college?

Here are some of my reasons why, and then my reasons why they don't convince me.

Networking

Networking is hugely important, especially for someone in my line of business. For my part, though, I'd rather do that on websites like ChristianFilmmakers.org or at gatherings like the San Antonio Independent Christian Film Festival. In the former case, it's free, it's ongoing, and it's focused on my industry. In the latter case, while it's away from home and costs- it's only for a week, and that's a week of condensed and intense networking. If I'm diligent enough.

Knowledge

First off, "the fear of The LORD is the beginning of knowledge." So if I'm going to a pagan institution which will teach me things rooted in a heathen worldview, I'm going to need to filter all that out.

Secondly, with all the technology we have today, why would I want to pay so much money and spend so much time going to an institution to learn when I could study from home at my own pace on only the subjects most important to me? This allows me to still learn from the wisdom of others- whether it's via books, websites, or even local mentors. It also allows me to learn my craft by doing it- not by studying about it in a classroom setting.

Diploma

It's just a piece of paper. If I can do my job and do it well, then I'm not really worried about whether I have an official stamp of approval.

That isn't to say that a college degree isn't helpful, or, at times, necessary, but rather that it isn't always necessary and is often overrated.

Hats of Awesomeness

It's hard, but I think that I'm willing to sacrifice my chance to get one of these babies for the reasons stated above.

(Again, my point isn't that college is inherently evil or that college is not an option for Christians- my point here is that I really don't see why, as a general rule, it is beneficial enough to justify all the costs.)

One More Time

Again, yes, I'm sure there are exceptions. Again, I'm not worried about exceptions. I'm not looking for them right now. I want to find the principles that God has given which direct normative Christian life. If He leads you or me to pursue a path that falls under the category of "exception," than may we be ever willing to follow!

In either case, however, we must deal with the principles given in The Text.


Well, there you have it. This concludes my doctoral thesis on why I don't think The LORD is calling me to go to college at this point in my life.

I guess I'm forever condemned to being classified with other diploma-free people like Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg, Andrew Jackson, and Henry Ford.

Bummer.

Thoughts on Biblical Feminity - Pt. 3

This post is the third in a series. The first one was very foundational, so please read that one. And if you'd like to read the second, I won't complain.

I'm going to wrap up my posts on this theme with this third post, at least for now.

This is really an open-ended series. It can't end. It's an exploration of different ways to please our King. He is infinite. There's always more to be learned.

But I'm finite, so this is the last post in this particular series. :-D

A godly woman whom I would like to spend my life with:

1. Is about her Father's business and her father's business. And she isn't waiting for me. I will explain.
2. Is very intelligent- and not just in a sharp, high-IQ, witty way, but especially in a studious and wise way.
3. Is prepared to learn, to change, to repent, to forgive, and to submit to my leadership.
4. Is striving to be like Christ. Not because it makes guys like me pay attention, but because it's right.
5. Presents a unified front to our children and others.
6. Is honoring to the men in her life.
7. Is interested in theology and philosophy. Like, really interested. Like, I can discuss eschatology and utilitarianism with her. And she loves it.
8. Loves kids and knows how to handle/raise/teach them.
9. Dresses modestly. And that doesn't mean in a burlap sack or a burka, either.
10. Can cook a mean dinner, and, in general, run a home like a captain runs a ship.
11. Can talk to me like a friend and a brother- like another person.
12. Is joyful. Really, downright joyful- rejoicing where God has placed her. And is happy to be a woman- with all that that entails.
13. Can look at a dilapidated home or an unpleasant situation and has the vision to see what it could be and what needs to be done to get it there.
14. Is frugal and joyfully content.
15. Is hospitable.
16. Is physically disciplined.
17. Is musically talented/inclined/knowledgeable/etc. This one is much more personal, but I think I can broaden this principle to apply to all of my sisters in Christ, not just those who might end up marrying a musician sometime down the road.

This post covers points 9-17.

Point 9

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with dresses modestly. And that doesn't mean in a burlap sack or a burka, either.


Ah, to find Biblical and God-pleasing balance in all things. I am one to err more on the side of functionality- I have my T-shirt and jeans (with the shirt tucked in for professionalism ;-)- what more could I need? I have one sister who is more prone to this error and another sister who swings to the other extreme.

Fashion isn't inherently bad. I've been convicted to take a little more time to make sure that I look (and smell) nice. It's polite, and it affects my testimony to others.

Modesty doesn't just mean not showing inordinate amounts of skin and/or shape- though it is very much that. It also means adorning yourself in such a way as not to draw attention to yourself. And, perhaps primarily, it means acting in this way.

So dressing in a burlap sack is not modest at all. It's distracting. Same thing with wearing prairie dresses all the time. They may be beautiful dresses which hide all the naughty-thought-inducing curves, but they make you stand out like a sore thumb.

Yes, we should be different from the world. We should look different, too- distinctly masculine/feminine, pure, modest, discreet, disciplined.

That doesn't mean that it's a bad thing to look nice- and to look stylish.

So girls- take care of yourselves. It's not a bad thing to make yourself presentable, modern-looking, and attractive.

But saying that opens the door to a hefty danger on the other side.

It really boils down to the question: who are you trying to please? God or man? If you are dressing to attract guys' eyes (or, as I hear is often the case, to look better than other girls... o.O), then you are striving to please man. That's sin.

To be practical, once we've pressed past the heart-issue of being a man-pleaser, we get into a grayer area. There's a difference between being attractive and lust-inducing. There's a point where you are putting a stumbling block before your brothers.

Note to guys- man up. I firmly believe that ladies have the responsibility to be considerate and Godly in their clothing choices. But we have a responsibility as well. The message of modesty should be preached to the girls, but we men need to keep our minds and eyes in check as well. Take every thought captive. It's not all their fault. Maybe God has given them different convictions. Or maybe He is just waiting to address their clothing because He is working on them in an area that is more important. My brothers. Please. Love your sisters in Christ. Take responsibility. Be the man.

Ladies, I'm not going to draw the lines for you. You must dress in such a way that is feminine and modest. That's what Scripture says. How that looks is between you, your father/family, and your Father in heaven.

I thought this quote was worth sharing:

"Your dresses should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to show you're a lady." - Edith Head

Something else to take into consideration is time stewardship. To the stereotypical woman who spends hours in the mirror daily, I ask you- is that really how God would have you invest His time?

To be real practical (speaking from my preference, here, not from Scripture- my sister says that she likes this kind of feedback), I hope the women in my family are able to wear feminine pants in a feminine way, and also an occasional pair of blue jeans when the occasion necessitates, but that they are usually found in dresses or skirts. And that they like it that way- I don't want to be the clothes police. For now, that's how I'll be leading my household, and that is something that I like to see in other young women as well.

On hair (after all, if I'm gonna open up one can of worms, I may as well...). It's Biblical for women to have long hair and for men to have short (1 Cor. 11, and I'm discussing norms, not exceptions). But how long is long? How short is short? Same deal here. There's plenty of Christian liberty and beautiful options and variety within the confines given us by Scripture. It's not my job to pull out the measuring tape. But I don't think it's a good thing (for men and women alike!) if I see you from behind and am left wondering which gender-camp you hail from.

Point 10

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with can cook a mean dinner, and, in general, run a home like a captain runs a ship.


WHOOPS.


*phew*

Much better.

This point is pretty self-explanatory and explicitly Biblical- she's the homemaker. And "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach."

(What do you meant that's not in Proverbs? *searches madly*)

OK, well, "She rises also while it is still night, and provides food for her household..."

Pr. 31 makes it clear. This lady is on top of things. So from being able to manage the finances to being able to manage the dinner table, she is indeed the home-maker. My heart safely trusts in her- I know she is making sure the books balance and the kids don't whither away.

Point 11

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with can talk to me like a friend and a brother- like another person.

If we're not married and we're not blood-relatives then we're brothers and sisters in Christ. I as a guy and you as a girl need to be able to relate as such. We should love each other in beautifully platonic purity. :-)

In other words, when we meet each other we shouldn't be thinking "potential spouse!" while our heart rate exceeds that of even the most vigorous cardio-athlete.


Nor should we be thinking "cooties!" and scampering elsewhere like the two Ns on a pair of magnets.

Indeed, really we should stop thinking about ourselves. She might marry me! Does he think I'm cute? Do I really have to talk to her- a girl!?! NOOOO!!!


And we need to start thinking about others. How can I love this person, this brother or sister in The LORD, in such a way as to edify him, to encourage her, to bless him, to please God?

Because remember, there's no "I" in "friend." Or something like that.


Point 12

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is joyful. Really, downright joyful- rejoicing where God has placed her. And is happy to be a woman- with all that that entails.

It's a fruit of The Spirit. :-) As such, let's pause and say that joy should characterize every child of God- not just the ladies. If you don't have joy, something's wrong- you need to repent.


(Note that there's a difference between joy and happiness. I can be mournful and yet still resting in the joyful hope of the victory of Christ. But the deep and wonderful facets of joy are not what I'm here to study right now.)

Who would want to live with an angry or miserable person (spouse or parent)? Who would want to grow up in such a house?

How much more beautiful is a household which emanates the joy of Christ?

It's also important that we are joyful about the way God made us- content. As a man, I need to rejoice that God made me as a man and gladly assume the responsibilities, duties, and so on which correspond to Biblical manliness. The same for my sisters in Christ. Enjoy being a girl! Enjoy doing Biblically feminine things. If my wife was always groaning about how she really didn't want to be a homemaker and wished she could have become a brain surgeon, you can see how that would not only damage our relationship and the atmosphere of our home but also the worldview of our kids.

Point 13

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with can look at a dilapidated home or an unpleasant situation and has the vision to see what it could be and what needs to be done to get it there.


My mom is a first-class example of this. Messy house? Mounds of laundry on the floor? Moldy drywall that needs replaced? Or maybe we need to rip out the flooring?

If that's where The LORD is leading and where Dad is leading- move over. And take a "before" picture. Because it's going to be awesome.

This point also means that a godly woman doesn't shy away from helping the dirty homeless kid or cleaning up the home of the old lady we're trying to help.

A Godly woman- I've said it before- is a warrioress. Not a china doll. She'll do what needs done. She "maketh her arms strong." Extreme Makeover Home Edition has nothing on her. (In fact, she does extreme makeovers without the TV show budget.)

Point 14

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is frugal and joyfully content.


This kinda goes along with point 13- and my mom is a great example of this one too. She can stretch a dollar like a rubber band. She can find good deals, she can manage the finances and balance the budget. So whether you have a little side business that you run from the home (talk about a homeschooling opportunity) or maybe you just have an eye for killer deals, you can be a real asset to your husband, by making the winning of the bread take a bit less of the sweat of his brow.

A related but separate point from frugality is joyful contentment.

I'm not rich. I'm exceedingly blessed and better off than many in this world, but I'm not rolling in the dough. At least not yet.

Which means that I probably won't have a mansion to offer my bride. Nor is it likely that we'll honeymoon on a fancy ship to an exotic location and sip drinks with umbrellas in them.


I can't afford those things right now. And I certainly don't want to chain myself to 30 years of debt just to get a big house.

I'd rather be a poor, free man than a rich slave.

I need a wife who can support me in this.

I'm an entrepreneur. I don't have a steady paycheck.

Let me pause to address a mindset with which I heartily disagree- that the $50-a-day job is a "real job" and jobs without a steady paycheck aren't. In both cases, God is the One who provides. (That random bit of insight was free.) Ooh, another random bit of insight- guys, "entrepreneur" is a label that's easy to slap on to just about anything. If you're planning on supporting a family, make sure that you aren't slapping that label on an idea you have or something you might do one day. We must pray for God's provision- but we must faithfully invest and work hard as well. "In all labor, there is profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty."

If the clients just aren't coming in, I need a helper who can joyfully rest in the hand of God and trust in His provision. (Another note to guys- if the clients aren't coming in, I shouldn't be so stuck to "pursuing my dream" that I can't do what it takes to provide for my family- whether that means lawn care or serving milkshakes at Chick-fil-a.)

If my wife is always pining for the big house, the fancy cruise, if we see the rich guy come in with his wife decked out in expensive jewelry and she looks longingly, then that shows a lack of vision on her part.

And it hurts, on my part.

Not because I believe that God has called me to be a millionaire- He may give and take as He sees fit- but because I really really want my girl to be happy.

And when her happiness is contingent upon me acquiring something which God has not called me to acquire, we have a problem.

An admirable example of this is Mary from It's a Wonderful Life.


She didn't need George Bailey to see the world or design skyscrapers or become a millionaire so that she could love him wholeheartedly. She took a broken-down (like, really broken-down) old house and turned it into a palace. She supported him by giving away their honeymoon money to keep the Building and Loan running. She was joyfully there by his side, supporting him through whatever he was going through.

I as the husband want to provide for my wife and family in the best way that I can (as God leads). But I don't know where God will take me or what trials we may have to endure. A wife who can support her husband through all the financial worries and troubles of life and who can find a way to make things work is a very valuable companion indeed.

So are you ready to rest in the hand of God and be joyfully content where He puts you, whether that's a trailer or a mansion?

Can you take them both with equal joy and say "The LORD giveth, The LORD taketh away, blessed be the name of The LORD?"

Because it's all His anyway.

Point 15

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is hospitable.


I might be an elder in the local church someday. One of the requirements for being an elder is hospitality. I need a wife who can help me with that. I, living with her in an understanding way, want to help her by working with her needs in this area. She needs to support me by being able to throw a feast for our guests, making our house presentable, and so on.

I remember the story that Dad tells of when ours was one of the host-homes for a Christmas event at a church. One of the older men of the church walked into the house, looked around, and said "Rob is going to go far- he has a good wife."

What amazing insight by him! And what a testimony to the character of my mother!

While some may not be able to vocalize what this man saw, everyone feels it. A woman can truly make a house a home- it's not just a trite saying.

Point 16

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is physically disciplined.

Now we're really getting into some practical stuff that's more what I would like than what God commands.

But there are nevertheless Biblical principles to be brought to bear here. Let's explore.

I'm into physical fitness. I like to work out, I try to eat right- so on. And I'd like to have a wife who can go on a run or a hike with me.


I also would like her to be able to make healthy meals, made-from-scratch foods, and so on.

These are preferences. Maybe God will give me a wife like this- maybe His plan is different. (Whatever it is, it's best.)

But everyone needs to deal with Biblical principles like good stewardship and self-control.

I realize that some people are overweight because of disease or other conditions over which they have no control.

But if you are overweight because you don't have the self-control to say "no" or the discipline to take a walk now and again, then this is a problem. This isn't just an issue of not looking nice- it's a character problem.

If you constantly eat garbage and drink poison (you know what they are!) then you need to consider whether that is being a good steward of the amazing body that God gave you. And if you're feeding garbage and poison to our kids- even worse.

Again, there's a balance here. I, for one, am prone to fall on the other side of that balance to the point where I can't enjoy a cup of hot chocolate because I'm too busy reading the ingredients list. That's not good either. It goes back to joyful contentment.

If God provides this non-free-range chicken or Christmas candy with unpronounceable ingredients, let us eat it and give thanks!

But I'd love to be able to wrestle with my great-grandchildren. And I'd love it even more if my wife was right there tickling Johnny alongside me.


I think eating right and staying in shape might just help us get there.

Even more importantly (to varying degrees for different believers), it's Biblical.

Hopefully I've navigated that minefield with some semblance of success. I look forward to hearing your comments. I firmly don't mean to say that all Christians should be P90X grads. But the Biblical principles do need to be dealt with. How you deal with them is between you and our Maker.

Point 17

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is musically talented/inclined/knowledgeable/etc.



Like I said in the longer version of the point- this doesn't apply to all of you. :-) Indeed, it doesn't necessarily apply to my future spouse- that's in God's hands. This, like being able to run with me, is a much less important thing then whether she has right doctrine or honors her parents. I'm being brutally practical in hopes that it will edify some of you.

But let me get to the point of which "the point" above is just a practical example.

I have been called to a certain mission, a certain facet of dominion-taking by God. All men have. Mine, at least for now, is music. God has given me this to conquer for His Glory. I would like to have a wife that can help me in this specific area.

Now please, don't start piano lessons. (Well, do start piano lessons, but for different reasons. Like because they're awesome.)

This goes back to how I began this series of posts- applying yourself to real-world pursuits. If you have practical skills that you can use to help your husband in- well, whatever it is he does, then you are all the more prepared to be a helper to him.

(And don't take that to mean that you need to figure out what kind of man you want to marry and what kind of woman he would want and... this is just a practical outplay of what I said at the very beginning of this series. Invest your time wisely, and pursue what God wants you to. Let Him worry about matching skill-sets.)

Leftovers

Here are some other things that I'm not going to spend a lot of time on, but which are quite important:

- The way she treats her family/siblings. That will speak volumes about how she will treat me and our kids.
- The way she takes- or doesn't take- responsibility. Is it always because of something or someone else? Or does she take responsibility for her actions and character? Is she trustworthy? (Pr. 20:6)
- Does she not only "let boys be boys" (in the righteous, dignified, un-barbaric and Biblical sense), but love and cultivate their daring, bravery, strength, and manliness? Does she prevent little brother Johnny from ever doing something that might end up giving him a black eye or bloody nose? Or does she encourage him to be brave, praise him when he comes in with a "war-wound," bandage him up and send him back out into the fray?

Purity

You may notice that purity wasn't on my list. Is it important? Very much so. Indeed, it is on my list. Just not the list that I posted here.

But physical purity is the milk. Let us press into the meat. I can find an army of virgins, not one of whom is a warrioress for The Kingdom of Heaven. I want more than just a girl who hasn't done drugs or kissed five previous boyfriends. I want a girl who has done and is set on doing great things for The Kingdom of God. I want more than a girl who never gave her heart to Edward Cullen- I want a girl who has given her heart to Christ.


I would rather have a harlot who sold her body for years but has now sold her soul to Christ than a girl who checked all the boxes and is a whitewashed tomb.

Just sayin'.


On Perfection

I realize that this is a long list and that no one is going to be perfect. Also that this list isn't perfect, or exhaustive. My list isn't the standard- God's Word is. I don't expect perfection of my spouse, and I hope she doesn't expect perfection of me ('cuz she ain't gonna get it).

I don't expect her to be like Christ in everything.

But I do expect her to desire to be like Christ in everything.

And really, that's where it starts.

If she strives to please Him, the rest will come in His good time.

One More Time

I also wish to re-state that some things I talked about are objective truths that apply to all women- or all Christians! Others are more specific and practical, and will apply at different levels to different people, and perhaps not at all to some. Some of them are even things that might not apply to anyone beyond my own household, being my own personal desires and convictions.

That's All, Folks!

Like I said, this is an open-ended list- it's not a checklist, but rather a list of things to think about and discuss in the light of God's Word. It is an attempt to give my sisters in Christ a bit of a better picture of just what guys like me think a "godly woman" is. There's where those practical parts come in handy.

More importantly, it is an exploration of what God thinks a "godly woman" is- not because I know what pleases Him, but because I want to know what pleases Him. He tells us in His Word. May He open our eyes more and more to see His Truth!

Sisters, hopefully this gives you some ideas, not of what this one guy wants you to become, but of what Christ wants you to become. Brothers, let us encourage our sisters to godliness, and let us ourselves strive to admire that which God finds admirable.

This concludes my thoughts on Biblical femininity. For now, at least. Thanks for reading and for interacting!

(Oh, wait! Did I list that she absolutely must be drop-dead gorgeous. ;-) Actually, she doesn't have to be- and I could go into the whole inner/outer beauty thing, but I'm just going to stop this article. Now.)

Thoughts on Biblical Femininity - Pt. 2

(Just so you know, I'm not posting Leighton paintings as a model for how all women should dress. :-)

Continuing my thoughts from my first post (which covered points 1-4 below) in this, a multi-part letter to my sisters in Christ. If you haven't read the first one, please do. It's foundational.

Before I begin, I want to mention something that a commenter reminded me of. These things are really thoughts I'm putting out there- discussion points. Different Christians will be more or less prone to different areas. So this isn't like a "checklist"- it's a list of discussion points and things to think about. Ultimately, if Scripture says it, it's true. If I say it- check it with Scripture.

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with...

1. Is about her Father's business and her father's business. And she isn't waiting for me. I will explain.
2. Is very intelligent- and not just in a sharp, high-IQ, witty way, but especially in a studious and wise way.
3. Is prepared to learn, to change, to repent, to forgive, and to submit to my leadership.
4. Is striving to be like Christ. Not because it makes guys like me pay attention, but because it's right.
5. Presents a unified front to our children and others.
6. Is honoring to the men in her life.
7. Is interested in theology and philosophy. Like, really interested. Like, I can discuss eschatology and utilitarianism with her. And she loves it.
8. Loves kids and knows how to handle/raise/teach them.

Point 5


A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with presents a unified front to our children and others.

Part of her submission to me is her support for me. This means that it's not her and the kids against me or me and the kids against her. We two need to become one flesh. As one goes, so goes the other. So if Johnny tries to play Mom against Dad or Dad against Mom he's gonna get spanked. Twice.

We're unified.

This also means that if neighbor Jane wants the kids to come over for a sleepover and I say "no," she's not going to get a different answer by asking my wife.

In front of our children and in front of the world around us, we're together. She's not only submitting to me, but she's supporting and reinforcing me. She backs me up rather then undermining me.

We're partners on the same mission. We have each other's back. Every time. It's just the way we roll.

*cue spy music*



Point 6

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is honoring to the men in her life.

Because, after all, I'm going to be the man in her life.

And because, more importantly, it's Biblical.

"An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is like rottenness in his bones." - Pr. 12:4

This point follows right along with the two previous. Are you, my sisters in Christ, treating your fathers and brothers in the Biblical ways discussed above? Are you supportive and submissive?

(and no, I'm not advocating wife-like submission to your father or brothers...)

How are you treating your father? Is Dad the buffoon that can't do anything right? Do you try to "straighten him out", but he's just too... silly? Do you roll your eyes at his jokes and act like Mom is the only one who ever gets anything done? Are you convinced that men are stupid (after all, that's what the movies say)? How about your brother- he's always on the computer. He never cleans his room. (I say this to my shame. But back to my point...) Or maybe he's younger and he never cleans his face. He is the subject of many an embarrassing story or sharp joke, and he is a real pain when he interrupts your talks with the girls. In fact, if he would just-

What does that say about you? Are you being the "crown" of your father? Your brothers? Or are you being rottenness in their bones?

Trust me, I notice.

But more importantly- "The eyes of The LORD are in every place."

Do you think God smiles on a girl who makes a fool of her father? Who derides men in general and her men in particular?

And how much more beautiful to see a girl who praises her father, who commends her brothers, who magnifies their skills and achievements while hiding their faults (another good commenter point-out- I'm not talking about deceitfully hiding faults or lying to make them look good.)?

Again, I'm not equating your relationship to your father or your brothers to your relationship with your husband.


But I am comparing them.

And it would be foolish for me to expect a woman who was rottenness in the bones of her father or brothers to suddenly become my crown.

Please remember that by building them up, I don't mean being silly. "He's so awesome he's just perfect he's amazing he's wonderful." That just makes you look foolish and embarrasses him.

You as a daughter or sister have the power to bless and honor and inspire and crown the men in your life- or to shame them and cut them in half.

Right now I'm talking about family relationships. This applies to a different degree to your brothers in Christ, but that's not my focus here. It also applies most strongly to the relationship between a husband and wife- but then, that's what we're really talking about, isn't it?

I say this very sincerely- the power of a woman is great.

Please use it wisely.


Point 7

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is interested in theology and philosophy. Like, really interested. Like, I can discuss eschatology and utilitarianism with her. And she loves it.

This connects with point 2, but is a bit different. I want a wife who is my soul-mate- who shares my deepest thoughts and ponderings. She's not a theological cream-puff. If I'm away and a Jehovah's Witness comes to the door, she not only knows how to wield our Glock (just in case) but she knows how to wield The Sword.


And I can wrestle through hefty theology and always have a loving, compassionate, concerned sounding-board to turn to from which to receive Biblically-grounded feedback.

She's my soul-mate. A huge part of my soul- indeed, by God's Grace, the consuming desire of my soul- is God! I want her to be able to share in my passion for Him.

I want her to love it as I do my best to wash her in the water of The Word. And I want her to sharpen me too.

Thanks, commenters, for pointing out the important distinction that needs to be made here: all Christians are called to "study to show thyself approved." Not all Christians are called to be thrilled by dissecting postmillennialism.  If discussing how to save money gets you more excited than discussing the differences between a four and a five-point Calvinist, that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Point 8

A godly woman with whom I would want to spend my life with loves kids and knows how to handle/raise/teach them.


That little chocolate-bearded, runny-nosed brother. A nuisance? Wish you could just stick him outside and get back to your Austen novel? (OK, that was just mean.)

Or when you look into the teary eyes of the dirty little kid who scraped her knee, do you see the soul of one more citizen for The Kingdom of Heaven? Do you see a legacy of thousands and tens of thousands of human souls coming from this one child who will be affected by the way you respond, right now, to this needy little person?

Are you too soft to wield the rod? Are you too hard to cry with them when the puppy dies?

Can you raise them in the nurture and admonition of The LORD- from having enough of a spine to rule the house instead of being ruled by the house to having enough of a heart to let them tell you the rambling and apparently endless story about the bug they chased around the backyard, not because you care at all about the dragonfly but because you care about them?

Are you patient enough to teach math and energetic enough to carry the baby on the family hike? (Which only assumes that I'm carrying the heavier backpack, or I'd be glad to carry him for you. :-)

Do you love- LOVE kids? Do you see them for the treasure that they are- a soul waiting to be shaped? A treasure that will be stolen by the world if not seized by The Kingdom!

Do you look at a kid pulling off a first-class "puppy dog face" and say "how could I say no to that?" Or do you look at him and say with a smile "I love you too much to say yes."

Can you change a diaper and a worldview at the same time?



Check back next Monday for the third and final installment in this thrilling series. :-D

EDIT- CLICK FOR PART 3

Thoughts on Biblical Femininity - Pt. 1

I've written about Biblical manliness more than once before. But today I'd like to talk to my sisters in Christ.

I was reading the blog of the Botkin sisters (an excellent blog which I would highly recommend- these young ladies are an excellent source of wisdom and by turns convict, encourage, and inspire me), and I came across this quote:

“What takes a girl from someone a man likes to be around, to someone
he wants to spend his life with? I see a lot of lists by girls about
‘my husband must be such and such.’ But it seems all I ever hear from
guys is ‘a godly lady.’ What does that mean to them?”

Well, here goes.

:-)

I started this planning to post it all at once. It's kinda (way) too long to do thus, though, so instead I'm going to shoot for publishing a part of the whole list once a week- probably every Monday.

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with...

1. Is about her Father's business and her father's business. And she isn't waiting for me. I will explain.
2. Is very intelligent- and not just in a sharp, high-IQ, witty way, but especially in a studious and wise way.
3. Is prepared to learn, to change, to repent, to forgive, and to submit to my leadership.
4. Is striving to be like Christ. Not because it makes guys like me pay attention, but because it's right.

Point 1

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is about her Father's business and her father's business. And she isn't waiting for me.

If homeschooling, family-integrated, skirt-wearing Christian girls had to be summed up in a book, it would be..?

Pride & Prejudice. Of course.


I know, it's normal for guys to not like Austen novels, the Twilight series, and so on. But usually the perspective is that it is normal for girls to like these things- indeed, that it is good for them to do so. I disagree, but it is not the purpose of this post to discuss the merits and problems of romance novels and "chick flicks" in-depth. There is one salient thing about them, though, which applies strongly to my point.

(For said in-depth discussion, I'd highly recommend the talk Jane Austen & Vampires by the Botkin sisters. Yes, them again.)

Books and films like Pride & Prejudice model, for girls, a life spent at tea and dancing, at pointless nothings, waiting for prince charming to come.

I'm saddened when I see "good girls" who are proud of their infatuation with everything Austen. When I see girls wrapped up in the fake, the shallow, the transient, the make-believe. In the hope of marriage. In the "what I want my husband to be".

Oh my sisters, please be wrapped up in what your Husband Christ wants you to be right now.

Your life doesn't begin- or end- with marriage. Marriage is neither the commencement of your real duties as a woman, nor is it the conclusion of your life story after which comes only the epilogue.

Instead of waiting for the arrival of your spouse, be about your heavenly Father's business, sculpting yourself to please your eternal Husband, Christ.

And what does that look like for you here and now? I don't know exactly. But it ain't sippin' tea and watching the horizon for a silhouetted steed bearing a knight in shining armor.

What are you doing right now that is advancing the Kingdom of God on this earth?

I don't doubt that often the answer is "I'm preparing to be a wife and mother- learning to keep the house and raise the kids".

Amen and amen. That is hugely important. But it's not all. There's So Much More. You as a daughter in your father's home can be a warrioress or a china doll. There is a world to be conquered, and you can be helping your father (or your brothers) do that right now.

It can be disheartening seeing examples like the one I just linked to. You may be thinking "but I don't have globetrotting brothers of awesomeness. My dad just delivers mail. My brother is more interested in conquering the World of Warcraft than the world which wars against the God who crafted it."

Grow where you are planted. Talk to your dad! Ask him how you can help him! Study theology. Yes, that may mean reading a book written 200 years ago which weighs more than your little brother. Study music or graphic design or auto mechanics or filmmaking or electricity. Apply yourself to practical, profitable, real-world pursuits. Being a daughter Joyfully At Home affords you myriads of practical Kingdom-building opportunities. Cultivate the mind and body and talents that God has given you. I don't know the answer for your specific situation. I do know Who does. Seek His Face, not the face of prince charming.

Your time in the household of your father is precious. Please don't waste it. Also please note that I'm not advocating by "real-world pursuits" that you "get a job." I firmly believe in the power of stay-at-home wives and daughters to advance The Kingdom in practical ways. May God give you wisdom as you seek to find those ways! Maybe it's selling crafts, or writing books, or teaching piano (each of which, actually, are examples from people I know). Whatever it is, though, it's not twiddling your thumbs until Mr. Darcy shows up.

So, to sum up, be content where God has put you. (Phil. 4:11)

Use your single years wisely, being a good steward of the time He has given you. (Eph. 5:16)

And be ready for marriage, not waiting for marriage. (Matt. 6:33)

A question which might give good perspective: "If God doesn't have it in His Marvelous Plan for me to get married (it is possible!) then what can I be doing to expand His Kingdom right now so that I don't find myself, at the end of my life, an old maid, filled with regret, waiting to die alone?"


Point 2

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is very intelligent- and not just in a sharp, high-IQ, witty way, but especially in a studious and wise way.

She opens her mouth in wisdom,
And the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
(Pr. 31:26)

I don't want to marry a girl who has spent her life just doing dishes and changing diapers. Those tasks that I just mentioned are very important and very Kingdom-building, but that's not all that Kingdom womanhood is about. I want a girl who can look at a dirty diaper or a stack of dishes or a little boy with a bloody knee and a messy face and see the Kingdom of God being advanced. But I also want a girl who has wisely invested her youth and who has a wealth of knowledge to pass on to our kids- and to me!

To make it practical, I'd like her to have:

1. A firm knowledge of Scripture and be able to apply It to many situations.
2. A good arsenal of knowledge, wisdom, stories from her past and her parents' past and her grandparents' past, proverbs and quotes from wise men and women, ready to pull out and apply at will.
3. Practical knowledge of real-world stuff ranging from auto-mechanics to storytelling.
4. A firm grasp of the basic things that our children will need to know so that she can teach them well- basic math, basic music (especially for my kids! :-), basic literature- a second language is a plus- etc.

I'm being practical, here, and the danger with that is that it's easy to be legalistic, or at least to be accused of such. But my sister says that practical is helpful, so there it is. And these practical things, though they will vary in degree and application between you, my sisters in Christ, are still founded on Biblical principles- like the value of meditating on God's Word (Ps. 1), the importance of wisdom and knowledge (Pr. 9), the beauty of a legacy, the importance of remembering the journeys of our fathers (Deuteronomy, Proverbs), the worth of a woman who is "making her arms strong" (Pr. 31), and so on.

Being a keeper at home doesn't at all mean mean being fat and dumb, washing dishes, wiping noses, and sitting around snacking in front of the TV with an occasional shout at a kid or two.

Point 3

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is prepared to learn, to change, to repent, to forgive, and to submit to my leadership.

We're human. We're imperfect. Even the woman who God has stored in His Perfect plan for me- the perfect girl for me- isn't perfect. And I, the perfect man for her- I'm not perfect either.

So we both need to be able to repent and to forgive.

God has called me to be the leader in the home that I hope to start one day. A godly woman will recognize and desire this. I won't be a perfect leader, and she won't expect me to be. She will, however, expect, exhort, and inspire me to be a great leader.

Quick note to my brothers reading this- it hit me one night recently that as a husband and father I will have a daughter of The King submitting herself to- obeying- me. That's a huge responsibility. Guys, if you take this lightly, don't come courting my sisters.

I'll slug you.



Now returning my address to my sisters: As a wife, you need to be ready to change and grow with your man as The LORD leads. This might make you uncomfortable sometimes, but we as Kingdom households are not on a gondola ride- we're on an epic, Kingdom voyage. Seasickness comes with the territory, but you need to be ready to take it like a sailor.

This also may mean differences of opinion with your parents/siblings/etc. LORD willing, throughout the pre-marriage process any disagreements will be discovered. If they're important enough, then the train wreck will be stopped before it started. If they're minor, then hopefully the marriage process will have the blessing of both families, knowing that the foundations are solid, and the disagreements can be overlooked.

But you must remember that as your husband this man is now your man, your head, your leader. You have to be prepared to follow him to the ends of the earth.

Example: if your husband becomes a credo-baptist when you were Presbyterians, then you need to submit to his leadership even if you're not sure he's right. And you need to support him in front of the kids. Or maybe he wants you to wear head-coverings, while your father didn't believe that that was the proper interpretation of Scripture.

"Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord." - Eph. 5:22

Submit to him as you would submit to Christ. You must be prepared to do this.

(By the way, if he tells you to rob a bank or help him knock off an old rival- please don't. Obedience to him is subject to The Word of God. But when it's a grey area, he is your leader. And if you accept your place at his side wholeheartedly- what amazing peace and security. God's design is unbeatable.)

Point 4

A godly woman whom I would want to spend my life with is striving to be like Christ. Not because it makes guys like me pay attention, but because it's right.

I'll close with this one for now. It's something which my sister has discussed with me previously. It's kinda tough to communicate this, seeing as how you are reading a list of things that a guy is looking for in girls, but it's crucial.

If you're trying to be Christ-like because straight-laced, homeschooled, Christian guys like me look for Christ-like girls, you are missing the whole point.

Your obedience to Christ must be motivated out of fear of and love for God. If it's motivated out of fear of and lust for man- repent! Pray that God will change your heart. (1 John 1:9)

But don't be satisfied with being a good girl who checks the boxes and looks good. Oh LORD I pray that You would make such a girl transparent before I or any brother of mine commits his life to her! If your passion for Christ only runs as deep as your passion for this guy you like, then what happens when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and you're just not very passionate about the guy today?


More importantly- if what you do for Christ isn't done out of faith- if what you do for Christ is really just done for man- it's sin! (Rom 14:23)

Anyone who seeks godliness apart from God is doomed to failure. Every time.

Any woman who seeks godliness to impress the guys is no godly woman at all.

If you think your husband will make you happy, will bring you joy, will give you fulfillment- you're wrong. Even the best man can't do that. Instead of him bringing you joy, you will bring him misery. If you make him your idol, he will always fail to measure up to the deity you want him to be.

But if you both are seeking first The Kingdom, what harmony and unity and love will result! The more you love Christ, the more you will love each other. A man with his whole heart given to Christ will love you far more than a man with his whole heart given to you. And a man with his whole heart given to Christ knows that it works both ways.

This takes us back to point 1. If you are waiting for Prince Charming instead of serving the King of Kings, then you aren't ready for Prince Charming in the first place.

Because a real man is looking for a woman who has already given her heart away.

To Christ.



Bearing this in mind, I hope that this list has encouraged both my sisters and my brothers, not in manliness or womanliness, but in Godliness.

Stop by next week for part 2. :-)

EDIT - CLICK HERE FOR PART 2

CLICK HERE FOR PART 3